APPLE WATCH SUCKS

APPLE WATCH SUCKS


*SFX of a clock ticking rapidly and iOS notification sounds* SHUT UP! Ian: Oh uh, do you have the time? Anthony: Yeah yeah, it’s uh, it’s 12:15. Noah: It took 1.5 seconds for you to check the time! Anthony: You timed that? Noah: With this stopwatch on my all new Apple Watch! Noah: Just one of the amazing features it has. Ian: Doesn’t the iPhone already have a stopwatch? Anthony: Yeah, who the hell wears a wristwatch anymore? Noah: The better question is who doesn’t. Ian: Newborn babies. Anthony: Someone with two broken wrists. Ian: A guy with no arms. Anthony: People with really small clock phobias. Ian: Pretty much everyone, really. Anthony: Why are you even so excited about this thing? Ian: Yeah, its just another useless Apple product they want us to ”think we need”. Olivia: That’s a really sexy watch. Olivia: Too bad you guys don’t have one to cover your fat, ugly wrists. Ian: Okay, we got your stupid watch now. What can it do? Noah: You can tap on it, and your friends will feel the tapping. Anthony: That is really creepy. Ian: Is Apple trying to bring back Morse Code or something? Noah: Uh, it can send a heartbeat. Ian: Why would you wanna do that? Noah: So you know your friends are still alive? Anthony: Okay, why wouldn’t my friend just send me a text, or call me? Ian: Yeah, or they can send you a picture of them not dead. Noah: …. I gotta go…. Pee! Noah: It’s just a quick tinkle! Noah: Uh, why don’t you fellas stay there, ha? (building burning and screams in the background) Noah: Our plan didn’t work. Keith: But she fat shamed their wrists into getting the watches, right? Noah: Yeah, and they still think they’re lame. Keith: They won’t after you let them know you can run home appliances with it. Olivia: Only the internet-enabled ones, like your TV and, um… y-y-y-your TV! Keith: That’s right. Anthony: Why would I wanna turn my TV on while I’m not at home? Ian: Yeah, that’s almost as pointless as sucking a fat man’s nipples for milk. Noah: …. I’ll be back! Anthony: What kind of a metaphor was that? Ian: Okay, it’s not a metaphor, it’s a simile, and I may have tried it once….. I-I-I don’t recommend it… Noah: They didn’t care at all! They just… talked about sucking on some fat dude’s nipples. Olivia: (seductively) Go on…. Keith: Alright…. Time to pull out the big guns…. (starts struggling with the watch)… How do I get to the fitness app again?… Olivia: Hold two fingers on the screen for two seconds. Keith: Okay… One, two… (Ultimate Assassin’s Creed 3 Song starts playing) Olivia: Wrong app, idiot! Keith: Damn it! I’ll hold it for four seconds… Woop, nope, those are my nudes… Three seconds…. O-O-Olivia?… Keith: Olivia! Those my baby pictures, my momma the only person supposed to see those now! No! Noah: (panting and out of breath) …. Look…… It shows your heart rate…. And how far you’ve walked… Along with how many calories you burned, and… I just ran 14 miles… Because my piece of shit car broke down!… Ha!…. Ian: That’s great and all, but I really don’t care about fitness, do you? Anthony: No, I’m perfectly fine with dying at 30. Noah: Come on! (runs off clumsily with sweat pouring down the back of his shirt) Keith: Yeah, we got nothing else. Noah: Then what did we spend the last five years developing?! It’s a $350 piece of garbage! Olivia: The gold-plated one cost me $5,000. Oh, come on! Apple used to be a place for innovation, not gimmicky bullshit for rich people! Keith: Yeah, but we like money. Noah: You guys getting this Morse Code tap? Keith: Oh, yeah. Olivia: What does it say? Noah: It says go f*ck yourselves! (flips them off and leaves) Noah: Fine! Heh…. You guys win! Okay? This thing sucks big fat floppy dicks! Alright? I’ma draw you a picture and send it to you to show you exactly what it looks like! Ha! Ha ha! Ian: Hold up, man. You can draw pictures of dicks and send them to your friends on this thing? Noah: Yeah! Who cares?! Ian and Anthony: THIS IS THE BEST INVENTION OF ALL TIME!!! YEAH!!!! Ian and Anthony: DICKS!!!! Ian: That was our Apple Watch video! Woo, high five! *Random gibberish* Anthony: So yeah, you guys might have noticed these guys in a bunch our videos lately. Anthony: What are your guys’ names? I’m Keith Leak! I’m Olivia Sui! I’m Noah Grossman! Ian: So, so we’ve been reading the comments, you guys love these guys, WE love these guys… Anthony: I don’t blame you, cause i love all of them! Ian: So we want to bring them in to the Smosh family. Anthony: They’ve been helping us make videos lately, and they’re amazing, they’re gonna help us do a bunch more content. Anthony: Make sure you guys check out all their stuff they got going on right now, we’re gonna put a bunch of stuff in the description below! Anthony: We got their Instagrams, we got the Twitters, we got the vines! Ian: Begin stalking them like crazy! Ian: Let’s all say bye so we can get to the incard! Everyone: BYE! Ian: Well, since there’s five of us sitting on a couch, i guess you could say we’re all… FRIENDS! *Everyone starts clapping* *Random gibberish* Ian: Click ”subscribe” to see all of our lovely faces in your feed. Ian: Best part is, it’s totally free unlike that gold Apple Watch that’s worth $17,000. Anthony: Yeah that wasn’t even a joke, they seriously have one that costs that much, look it up. Ian: Yup, and if you wanna see bloopers from this video, and watch us draw ”questionable things” on our Apple Watches: Ian: Click the video on the left. Anthony: And, if you wanna see Siri try to kill us, click the video on the right.

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